I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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