Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
