Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
