sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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