It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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