I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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