i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
