If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
