k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am naked and annoyed.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
