she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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