Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I understand Curling. That high.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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