end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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