I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
