You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
