I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
