All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
