I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
