why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
