I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
