I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
