Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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