I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
