I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
