I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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