a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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