I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
