i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
