You just made me feel so damn special
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
