the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
