Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
