my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize