I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize