And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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