We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
