listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
