I can text with my tongue
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
