Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
