"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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