I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize