im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
