He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
