Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
