so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
