I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
