I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
