I want to make a zoo with you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
