when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
