M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
