Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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