Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
