It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
