Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
