so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
