Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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