after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
