i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
