There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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