That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
