be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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