i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
