My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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