So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
